Are we present?

I was listening to a podcast on the beach this morning, a conversation about leadership and authentic interaction. One question kept circling back through the whole conversation. Are our interactions actually authentic? Are we listening, or are we just waiting for our turn to talk?

I will admit it. I am guilty of that second one. I listen to inject my own thoughts more than I would like to admit. I am already forming my response while the other person is still mid-sentence, and if I am honest, that is not listening. That is waiting.

The Bonfire

My family is all together this week. We rented a house so three generations could be under one roof, ages six to seventy. Family means everything to me, and this week is exactly the kind of week I want us to remember.

Last night we had a bonfire on the beach. Nature was right there in front of us. One of my daughters was chasing the perfect shot for social media, and I gently pulled her back into the moment instead. There will always be time for that post later. That fire, that exact night, was not going to come back around.

Then I caught myself doing the same thing in a different way. My mind was already on the chairs I needed to fold up and the fire pit I needed to haul back to the truck. I was standing right there at the fire and I was somewhere else entirely. It is easy to point out someone reaching for their phone. It is a lot harder to notice when I am the one who has quietly checked out, just without a screen in my hand.

Getting to Neutral

I found out a bonfire has to be 200 feet from a sea turtle nest. I thought I had measured it right. I had not. Someone came by, measured the actual distance, and told me it was 150 feet, not 200. I had to put the fire out.

I was frustrated. Honestly, I was a little mad. I had spent time trying to build this moment, and I wanted it to be perfect. Putting it out felt like the night getting taken away from me right as it was happening.

Then I had to catch myself. We had already made s'mores. The kids had already laughed around that fire. The moment I was trying so hard to protect had already happened. It did not need to be perfect, and it did not need to last all night to count. I had to get to neutral, let go of the frustration, and get back to actually being there with my family instead of stewing over a fire that was already out.

I did not come up with that idea on my own. Neutral thinking is a concept I learned from the late Trevor Moawad, a mental conditioning coach who worked with elite athletes and coaches, in his book It Takes What It Takes. The idea is simple to say and hard to live. Neutral is neither positive nor negative. It is just what is actually true, without the judgment piled on top of it. My fire being out was not a disaster and it was not fine either. It just was. Once I stopped arguing with reality, I could get back to the only thing that ever mattered, which was being there with my family.

That is the whole thing about presence. It is not really about phones, and it is not really about fire pits either. Both are just the easiest exit available in the moment. The real question is whether I am willing to stay in the moment I am actually in, instead of the one I wanted, or the one I am scrolling toward, or the one on my to-do list.

1% Better, Starting Today

Yesterday was not exactly what I had hoped it would be. It is over now, and there is nothing to gain from replaying it. The only thing I can actually do something about is today.

I believe in trying to be 1% better every day, and presence is one of those things you have to practice like anything else. My daughters are getting older, and I am not going to pretend I love that part. But I can control whether I am actually here for this chapter instead of half-watching it go by. Are we making the most of this time together? Are we building memories that will stick, the kind my daughters will still be telling their own kids about someday? That is what is on my mind this trip. Not whether the fire lasted all night. Whether we were actually in it while it burned.

So here is what I am asking myself today, and I will leave it with you too. Next time you are with the people who matter most, are you actually there?

— Kevin